Harry's Gloomy Sunday Without Sirius
by TalaDentro
Summary: Song-fic. Sirius is gone and Harry longs to be with him. Slash, character deaths.


**Sirius is gone, and Harry longs to be with him. Be warned - this is a sad story!**

**Warnings: OOC, mention of character death, depression, suicidal thoughts, actual suicide, etc.**

**Beta:FirstLaugh-LastTears**

**Disclaimer: NO own.**

**Pairing: Sirius x Harry**

**Song: Gloomy Sunday (I guess it doesn't really matter, but I'm going with the Billie Holiday version).**

Blah…my writing.

*Blah*…thoughts.

_Blah_…song lyrics.

**Quotations mean the usual. If you don't know what that is – then I'm curious as to how you made it onto this site in the first place.**

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Harry stared out the window morosely.

_Sunday is gloomy_

It had been HIS favorite day of the week. His day to sleep or play, depending on his mood.

_My hours are slumberless_

He was exhausted. His bed was so much colder now. Lacking the body warmth of his true love, he found himself incapable of sleep.

_Dearest the shadows  
I live with are numberless_

They were everywhere. The house was full of them. It felt like he couldn't escape them. The shadows of the life they'd shared together. They watched his every movement closely, torturing him with their brief and unpredictable appearances.

_Little white flowers  
Will never awaken you_

There was no potion, no mixture of ingredients, no spell, no magic, that could make this better. Sirius was gone, and Harry would never be happy again.

_Not where the black coaches  
Sorrow has taken you_

He wondered idly if Sirius was in heaven, if there was such a place.

_Angels have no thoughts  
Of ever returning you_

*Doesn't really matter where he's gone though, does it? The point is – he'll never come back to me. I'll never see his smile again, never hear his bark-like laughter, never again be held in those strong arms, never* Harry let out a small sob *never feel those firm lips against his own.*

_Wouldn't they be angry  
If I thought of joining you?_

Harry opened the window and turned so that his legs hung off the ledge. He felt so empty, and useless. If he could just see him again… But there was only one way to do that. Only one way that was possible. He would have to die too.

_Gloomy Sunday_

Harry felt more tears escaping from under his eye lids.

_Gloomy is Sunday  
With shadows I spend it all_

He let all the memories he had of the last three years just wash over him.

-Coming to live with Sirius the summer of his 5th year, after his defeat of Voldemort-

-Staring at Sirius when he wasn't looking, averting his eyes when the man turned to look at him-

-Waking up from his first wet dream of Sirius-

-Realizing for the first time that he was IN love with his Godfather-

-A tearful confession, hesitation, then acceptance, a tender first kiss, passion blazing out of control-

-The proud, delighted, never-ending smile Sirius had worn the day they had married-

-Finding out Sirius was sick-

-Watching him slowly, painfully fade away-

Another sob escaped, and the tears flowed freely.

_My heart and I  
Have decided to end it all_

He stared down at the snow-covered ground. So far away… The only solution, the only one he could bear to think of anyway, the least painful.

_Soon there'll be candles  
And prayers that are said I know_

*They'll be so disappointed in me. Could defeat the Dark Lord, but couldn't go three days without his lover? They'll think I'm weak. And, I suppose, they're right. I could only stand up to Voldemort because I knew Sirius would back me up, would always be there for me no matter what, and would be waiting for me to come home safely.*

_But let them not weep  
Let them know that I'm glad to go_

*Now he's gone… There's nothing left to tie me to this place. As long as I can be with him again, I'll be happy. They would understand that, wouldn't they?*

_Death is no dream_

Oh if only he could wake up from this; the horrid and lonely nightmare his life had become.

_For in death I'm caressing you_

His eyes widened slightly. There, just in front of him, was Sirius. He reached for him, stretching forward, in disbelief. He felt warmth fill him at the sight of that all-too familiar visage. "Please, even if you're not real, let me touch you, once." He leaned forward to cup his lover's cheek in his hand, and slipped off the window ledge. He never felt himself fall. Never felt the impact of the ground, softened slightly by snow, but nowhere near enough to save him.

_With the last breath of my soul  
I'll be blessing you_

Harry stared up at his love, a soft smile adorning his face. Sirius stared back at him, his eyes sad. *Don't be sad, dearest Padfoot. I love you. I don't like it when you're sad.*

_Gloomy Sunday_

With that last thought, Harry closed his eyes, and drifted away. Falling into that mysterious abyss to join his beloved.

_Gloomy Sunday_

The End

**A/N: Now don't start. Yes, there IS more to the song, but I choose not to use those lyrics. I like the beginning of the song that's depressing and sad. Frankly I think the suddenly happy/sappy/romantic crappy turn that the song takes in the end is a weenie move that a lyricist somewhere out there in the world needs to be slapped for, and I refuse to let it be part of my story. Despite my grumbling, I do like those lyrics – I just don't feel that they have a place here. This is not a happy story and I want to keep it that way.**

**No, I am not emo or suicidal (so please don't start with the emo flames). At the time I wrote this, I had just lost my grandma, and I'm using this story as a kind of catharsis.**

**For those of you who are interested, here are the lyrics that I'm excluding:**

_Dreaming, I was only dreaming  
I wake and I find you asleep  
In the deep of my heart here  
Darling I hope  
That my dream never haunted you  
My heart is telling you  
How much I wanted you  
Gloomy Sunday_


End file.
